A Very Butcher-von Eschen Halloween – Week Four
Though Halloween never ends in our hearts, our active celebrating of it by watching a short horror film every day for the month of October had to conclude at some point, so here we are (a bit delayed). Below you will find Jonathan Butcher (author of What Good Girls Do, The Children at the Bottom of the Gardden, The Chocolateman, and other stories) and my final ten selections and our thoughts on each.
Oct 22nd – POST-MORTEM MARY
Jonathan Butcher: A little girl must help photograph a dead child in order to help her grieving mother – but not all is well. This is a creeptastic little period film, and was the first to give me some faith in the Alter company who make these movies (which generally have a sucky ending). Great atmosphere, excellent effects, and some truly ick moments.
Four exsanguinated buzzards out of five.
Rated: 4/5
Michelle von Eschen: Stunning mood and styling and believable special fx makeup. Dumb ending. A macabre look behind the scenes of a job someone once had: the semi-lost art of photographing the dead.
Rated: 4/5
Oct 23rd – MINER’S MOUNTAIN
JB: I can barely remember this one so it must have been crap.
Or it’s because I was drunk when I watched it.
Or it’s because Michelle and I had squabbled just beforehand.
Whatever the reason, I’m giving it a mean-spirited one and a half squished testicles out of five.
Rated: 1.5/5
MvE: I think this one had vampiric creatures hiding in the woods, feasting on deer and people. Yes, Jonathan and I squabbled beforehand, but even a serene entry into this short wouldn’t have saved it. Themes of racism and a haunted past involving an unexplained event, okayish monsters, someone who doesn’t roll up their car window when they are scared out of their mind…meh.
Rated: 2/5 instead of 1/5 for the cool background image/scene during the credits
Oct 24th – SPECIAL DAY
JB: It’s Emily’s birthday, and she’s about to receive an unexpected, unwanted gift.
This receives my “creepiest Halloween movie” award. The creature(s) in this unsettled the hell out of me, so while the acting was unnatural and stilted, I still dug it. Four and a quarter snipped frenulums out of five.
Rated: 4.25/5
MvE: Awkward birthday celebration involving family members queued up to grope and congratulate the birthday girl followed by worst birthday present ever that was also scary as fuck and unpredictable. Plus the ending event played off of one of my greatest fears. You’ll have to watch to find out.
Rated: 4/5 I wanted to hate this but ended up loving it. Would be higher if the interactions between the family members felt more natural.
Oct 25th – HOME EDUCATION
JB: Wow. I liked this one a lot, as far as I remember. A girl has to follow her mother’s strange instructions in order to make sure her father returns when he said he will – even if flies have started to crawl on him.
The effort that went into the setting and the manner in which this one was shot thoroughly impressed me, and both the script and acting were commendable.
Another grimly impressive four splattered embryos out of five.
Rated: 4/5
MvE: Some people shouldn’t be parents. Some people shouldn’t be in charge of schooling their children. In this short, misinformation breeds hate and homeschooling goes horribly wrong. The styling of the house is so rich in detail when necessary and stark at times all the same, lending to a powerful overall effect. This one drips in a darkness hard to execute well, just a smidge off of normal as to still be recognizable, but an abomination when more closely scrutinized, one made of good intentions warped by obsessive thoughts and a need for complete control.
Rated: 4/5 for incomplete ending
Oct 26th – The Birch
JB: A bullied lad enlists the help of a mysterious spirit of the forest. The creature in this one RULED, and the story was short and tightly told. Good stuff.
Four acid enemas out of five.
Rated: 4/5
MvE: Allies come in all shapes, sizes, and…wood grains. A dying grandmother gifts her weak-ass grandkid the ability to summon a large, sentient stick to help destroy his longtime nemesis. I wasn’t a huge fan of the story itself, but I loved the monster. This forest spirit deserves more screen time. Reminiscent of something from del Toro’s brain, a la Pan’s Labyrinth.
Rated: 3/5 for story, 4/5 for THE BIRCH
Oct 27th – POLAROID
JB: Guy takes photos, which keep containing an unwanted visitor.
Wack. Poop. Yawn. Whatever.
Two flayed scalps out of five.
Rated: 2/5
MvE: Overdone concept, poorly executed too. Looked like a monster from another short film. Also, shaking the Polaroid film doesn’t do anything. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BY NOW. Contrived to write someone still doing that.
Rated: 1/5 waste of time
Oct 28th – Grime Artist and Tickle Monster
JB: Dude keeps getting tickled by something he can’t see. My favourite thing about this one was how much it scared the hot yellow pee out of Michelle. I wasn’t even allowed to mention the monster after we’d watched it, and because I’m not an asshole, I didn’t. I could have though. I definitely could have.
Anyway, this one was fun. Three and a half minced-up boobs out of five.
Rated: 3.5/5
MvE: This is the film that made me shower with my outer shower curtain tied up so I could see through my transparent inner curtain. This one made me scared in my own house. Could have been lack of sleep. Could be deep-buried traumatic memories of tickle torture at bedtime. Not funny. Never funny. And that giggle. Ughhhhh. I demand a re-watch just to face this fear.
Rated: 5/5 for fucking with my head
Oct 29th – Paintghouls
JB: Two paintball company workers make the mistake of ordering some cheap-as-hell ammo with unexpected and bloody results. Full disclosure: I helped make, write, and act in this wack little film, and unlike Stuck (which was in a previous review) this one is pretty low-calibre. There are some amusing moments and ideas, but aside from some fun acting and a bit of gore, it’s just “okay”.
Three stomped geriatrics out of five.
Rated: 3/5
MvE: An older film, the lower quality lending itself to the charm of this low-budget zombie/mutant short. Simple, but unique idea though a bit dry at times. Good use of multiple locations on set. One of the main characters is hot as fuck. Good for a laugh.
Rated: 3/5 as well
Oct 30th – The Dollmaker
JB: A couple hire a man to perform a rather disturbing service to help them in their time of grief.
This was definitely my favourite of the Alter films we saw (which for me have been generally been disappointing, storywise). This one looked great and had the storyline and twists to back up the slick, eerie imagery.
Screw it, I’m giving this a huge four and a half gnawed pelvises out of five.
Rated: 4.5/5
MvE: I loved this one, but found it predictable. Knowing what was going to happen didn’t make me love it less. Doll design was awesome, concept is rad. Would have liked more outside perspectives, like from neighbors. Definitely one of the better endings we’ve seen.
Rated: 4/5
Oct 31st – Timothy
JB: A kid’s TV show character isn’t content staying behind the screen – and seems less friendly than when he’s on air.
This was a baffling, surreal end to our Halloween odyssey – WITH AN EMPHASIS ON ODD HAHAHAHAHA I’M SO FUNNY. I quite liked it, and thought it was a surreal, stylish little ride into madness.
I’m going to end with a final four disemboweled weasels out of five.
Rated: 4/5
MvE: I wanted so much more from this one. I think maybe the creators wanted to be more weird than anything. I give it props for being over the top and bizarre. A twist on the imaginary friend trope and definitely different than anything else we watched.
Rated: 3.5/5
And here ends the celebration, until next year perhaps. Thank you for watching with us!
