Home for the . . . Apocalypse

Would you still celebrate the holiday season if you were living in a post-apocalyptic world? The characters in When the Dead don’t quite make it to Christmas and if they had, I don’t know that they would be in a giving, happy mood. When everything is wrong with the world, would it feel right to be festive? Would shopping for the perfect gift become easier (no lines, cost is no longer an issue, the world is your oyster!) or more difficult (zombies trying to eat you, looters took all the best stuff, does your secret santa want a gaming console they can’t use or deodorant that they can?)?

Here is a list of the hottest post-apocalypse gift items:

• A car that you can find the keys to

  They litter the streets and range in size, shape and safety. Trade in your loved one’s piece of crap sedan for a Hummer, Armored Vehicle or other large SUV or Pickup.
  
  

  Pros: swappable on a whim for a better model, built-in zombie ramming bumper, everyone’s dream
  Cons: needs fuel that no longer gets delivered to station, must go OUTSIDE to use, loud, potential gore inside, difficult to maneuver through the OTHER ABANDONED FREE CARS
  
  Example Gifting Scene:
  “Do you see that sweet ride down there?” (Man points out a large vehicle parked in the middle of the street.)
  (Woman looks out the window) “The one surrounded by zombies with blood on the back window?”
  (Man smiles widely and hands keys to loved one) “It’s all yours baby. Merry Christmas.”

• A first aid kit

  What says “Happy Holidays” more than wound dressings?
  
  

  Pros: usually a bright holiday red, easy to wrap and easy to find
  Cons: a bright red reminiscent of the blood and death all around you, requires pain and suffering for it to be useful, most wounds you will receive in the apocalypse require more than some neosporin and a bandaid
  
  Example Gifting Scene:
  “Open it up champ! I bet you can’t guess what it is!” (A father tells his son on Apocalypse xMas morning)
  (Boy rips open the wrapping of his present and his face drops) “I told you I wanted a remote control car! I don’t know what this is but it isn’t that!”
  “But a first aid kit doesn’t need batteries and it is guaranteed to help you feel better!”
  “This is stupid!” (Boy throws first aid kit at father’s head, the buckle keeping it closed cuts the man’s forehead, requiring him to open and use some of the kit’s contents.)
  “See! All better!” (The man smiles)
  “Well you can have it then.” (The boy pouts)

• Any weapon of ANY KIND

  Survival is the name of the game and how better to say “I love and care for you” than to gift a sharpened machete?
  
  

  Pros: useful, useful, did I say useful?
  Cons: weapon gifts often require additional accessories and training, expected, no holiday cheer in death
  
  Example Gifting Scene:
  (Woman opens large gift to find a fire axe inside)
  “What the hell is this?”
  “A fire axe.”
  “I know what it is but why did you get this? Do we always have to think about death and killing? Couldn’t you get me some chocolate or jewelry?”
  “I thought you’d like it!”
  “You picked this for yourself didn’t you?”

• A Zombie Novel

  Fiction-turned-fact = mega useful.
  
  

  Pros: great as a gag gift if you and your fellow survivors are throwing a “white elephant” party, end of the world time killer
  Cons: not actually funny, kind of depressing, books are for escaping real life not reliving the struggle of your current existence
  
  Example Gifting Scene:
  “A zombie novel?” (a man looks at the gift he has just pulled from his xMas stocking)
  “It looked like a good read.” (his friend explains)
  “Or, I could look out the window SINCE IT IS HAPPENING!”
  “You’re wrong, it could be worse for us.” (the friend says)
  “How?”
  “I skim-read the book and in it, the zombies can RUN!”

• Luxury Food Items

  You know what I’m talking about! Risk the frightening outdoors to make a stop at the supermarket for some non-essentials like sardines, fancy wines, high-end chocolate and other shelf stable delicacies.
  
  

  Pros: eating never goes out of style, price is no object (go for the expensive brand!), try new things with those you love
  Cons: stomach ache, hangover, sugar coma, gritty oysters
  
  No Example Gifting Scene here, food in the apocalypse is ALWAYS a welcome gift. Even gritty oysters.

• A New Apartment

  One full of someone else’s stuff. The housing market is wide open so why not upgrade?
  
  

  Pros: no rent increase, comes furnished, treasure huntable, easy to wrap (put a bow on the door)
  Cons: may require a sweep for zombies before gifting, owner could someday return and kick your loved one out, also may require extreme redecoration/sanitization
  
  Example Gifting Scene:
  (After taking six flights of stairs being followed by a persistent zombie, a man tells his lover to “uncover her eyes”. They stand at a door with a bow on it.)
  “You got me an apartment?”
  “Isn’t it wonderful?!” (Man opens door to show her the interior)
  “Ugh, it smells like mothballs. Why couldn’t you choose a different one?” (Woman exits without taking the full tour)
  “They were all filled with zombies.”

Maybe gifting during the ZA isn’t as easy as I thought . . . And I am sure the end of the world will see a lot more folks being naughty over nice.

Coal for everyone.